remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
