After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
