am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
