Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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