My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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