there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
