I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He felt like a one man threesome
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
