I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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