I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
