I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
