Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
