so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
