Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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