I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
