i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
