Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize