were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
