You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
