he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I have fence marks all over my body
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
