He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
