I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
