I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.