Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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