Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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