kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize