you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
and you fell through a lawn chair
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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