I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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