That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
