i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
