My liver just broke up with me...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Farmville is her only friend.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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