I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
