did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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