New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
why do cheetos always look like penises
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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