Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
