I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
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