you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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