A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I touched a dick in church today
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
