Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My boob is missing a layer of skin
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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