hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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