You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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