she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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