Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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