Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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