I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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