when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
why do cheetos always look like penises
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
