Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
my liver is dry heaving
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
