I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Banned from zoo.
Again?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
