smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
