I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
