It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
