Tell her she can't have a vagina
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
