So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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