he looks like a really good dad on facebook
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
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