Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
and she was petting her beer can
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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