i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
