On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
