If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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