You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
