There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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