I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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